A virtue I have yet to learn

Patience.

I'm sure my family can tell you many tales of when I was younger and how I would make a fuss when something wasn't coming to me fast enough. I have never really been one to wait for anything. Always out looking for the next opportunity, the next hobby, the next apartment (I seemed to move every three years). Just spending my time rushing - knowing exactly what I want and not waiting long enough for the right (insert here) before making a move.

Patience is a virtue I feel like I am stuck learning.

It aligns with my last post about creating pressure for myself. By not having the patience to let the words come to my brain to type on the page, it would make me type whatever to get something out there. I would sit and stare at the screen, trying so hard to craft the perfect message or frame whatever I wanted to share in this rushed timeline. Never having the patience to wait long enough for the story to unfold in the way it was meant to be told to reach the goal of what I wanted to share made this process really stressful for me.

Just this one simple example of how putting pressure on something only pushed it farther away. Always seeming out of reach and the steps to get there grew farther and farther apart.

My sister and I were watching a movie recently, and the phrase or idea of "the universe has a plan" or

"it all happens when it's supposed to" kept being repeated. I couldn't help but get a little frustrated that this phrase. I feels like it's haunted me for years. As someone who lacks patience this very idea of "the universe has a plan" nerves me. I've always been trying to make things happen for me and forge my own path, often feeling like I'm trying to cut 10 acres of grass with a pair of dull scissors.

I feel like this idea of patience has really been a light at the end of a (very long) tunnel. I have leaned into this idea that I've always been in a rush and this light has really slowed things down for me. It's made me realize a few things.

My word for 2024

I haven't shared a word for 2024 yet because, well, I confess...I don't have one. No one is really more shocked than myself at this idea. The years I’ve spent hyping up this beginning of the year activity to pick a word for what you want the year to be and revolt against annual resolutions - only to be left staring at a blank page. The more that I tried to think of a word for the year, the more my brain spun. I just couldn't seem to nail down one thing or even really think of one phrase I wanted for this year. I was rather disappointed that I was paralyzed by this decision. Here I am, end of May, wordless. There is only one solution that I feel comfortable with:

No word, no phrase, no expectations, no....nothing.

I come to the conclusion that this year will be wordless. It’s been kind of freeing in a sense. No pressure on what this year could potentially be. No planning to make the word come true. No anything to drive a direction in life. Just go where the wind takes me. Flow, effortless, water-like. No pressure to say yes to every opportunity or even no.

It's been kind of nice to pause and not push myself into something that I think will lead me somewhere and doesn't. It’s kind of brought on this new challenge of facing patience. This idea of trusting the process that I can make the right move in time, and that the right things are placed in my path to make it all come together.

It's also been kind of...stressful, but I am still learning. As someone who is a self proclaimed planner, this idea of letting go of an outcome is trying this viture I have yet to find. I'm trying to remind myself that not everything needs a plans and there are tons of things outside of the span of my control. The one question that I need to keep asking myself to keep me sane, what is within the span of my control? Five months into 2024 some things have worked out, some are working themselves out, some have exited from the picture and some are (I keep telling myself) on their way.

Just let it happen

Right now in a typical blog post I would be trying to give you a solution to the problem I'm sharing. Some kind of tip or something I did to learn from this all. But, I can honestly say I haven't researched or looked into anything on creating a mindset of patience. I'm not sure there even is one - besides making a conscious decision to acknowledge when it's lacking. I also think this would defeat some of the purpose for learning true patience.

Leaning into this idea of just letting it happen.

As I, ironically, check to see how long this post is to see if I've made my word count goal. Maybe I should just be a rebel and stop here with no real ending or conclusion because the words aren't coming to me and hanging until I (maybe) write a part two another time. How insane would that be?! Just peace out part way through! But I think that would just be lazy and not in the category of letting it happen.

The weirdest part of this idea is the feeling of letting go. I've done lots of self talk to pursade myself that I am letting the idea or the issue go - but to truly do it is a weightless feeling. This sense of peace with whatever outcome is meant to happen will happen. That you can't change decisions that you've made in the past but only plan for the future from the lessons you've learned.

I mean, you have a responsibility and action to make the life you want happen, but my favourite phrase lately has really helped once a decision has been made. I just do the thing and say, "go with grace and God", meaning whatever is meant to happen will.

Be Kind

I think the only way to really just be cool with giving into the universe is to put the work in and see where it goes. Choosing to show up for what you believe in and the life you're deciding to create for yourself. I often find myself wanting to write or work on a project or even just cook and when I come home from work, but I often just disassociate because it was such a mentally draining day.

This is me not choosing to show up for myself in the life I want to build. Ultimately, I get frustrated and mad with myself about being lazy and why can't I just do the things on my checklist - which makes me disassociate more. It's a vicious cycle of continually not doing anything. This pressure of needing to meet an abitrary timeline I've created for myself leads back to this idea of just pushing things farther away.

Look if Jelly Roll can win best new artist of the year at 39 and Glennon Doyle can be a best seller at 40, I have time. I don't know why I am choosing to be so hard on myself for things that I want to do that bring me joy. After all, comparission is the thief of joy - even if it's with the imaginary person you've created yourself to be.

Protection

This is the last idea I have really discovered on this journey to creating patience. I am trying to practice looking back on things with gratitude when something does work out that I tried to rush. Times when I’ve made moves in a rush it’s typically become a lesson in being humbled.

Lately this is the biggest reflection or learning or practice.

I feel like my brain comprehends things better in metaphors, so of course I rationalize the last few instances with one. I’ve been saying a lot lately that I feel like I’m hitting brick wall after brick wall. Let’s face it though, brick walls really hurt, you can’t break through them (without an external support) and they prevent you from moving forward. In this effort to practice reframing and patience, I’ve recently come up with a better metaphor.

I’m reframing to think of every thing as bumpers for the gutters in bowling. Choices I’ve made or things that I feel I have failed in or whatever didn’t go the way I thought it would, is like running into one of those. I’m still heading down the lane but these little blocks, while they can hurt, are keeping me on track and moving forward to what’s meant for me.

I don’t really know what the next six months look like. What is going to come my way or not. Maybe that’s the spice of life, the unexpected? I can’t really fault myself or anyone for being impatient. In a world where every thing changes so quickly and all the information (misinformed or fact) is right at our finger tips. We’ve created a space where impatience is rewarded through 15 minutes of fame, money, or extra hits of dopamine on the brain.

I’ve waited my life for some things and days for others. This month has been one of the llllooonnnggggeeessssttttt months ever as I try to be intentional with patience. I know I’ll get there in my own time. Heck what’s another day or month right now, as long as it’s bringing me peace.

Deep breath out.

Time to celebrate small wins. Cheers to keep learning, and adding another step to the roadto finding joy. ✌🏻