Pt 1. Land Mines and Broken Jars
It finally happened.
I was sitting at my desk at work on a lovely June, I think...I've blocked the date out, when I get a group text message from numbers I don't know:
Hi Sasha,
I hope you are doing well.
I am hoping you can forgive me.
May the Lord bless you.
I freeze.
There's only one person I can think of that would be asking for some kind of forgiveness. I do the first thing that comes to mind - put one of the numbers that text me in Facebook search and see if it's associated with an account. Sure enough....his name pops up.
I stop breathing.
The reason why this blog started, why I went to intensive therapy, why my whole world has changed just messaged, asking for forgiveness.
I start to vibrate, my leg can't stop shaking.
I need to get out of this or I won't be coming back from this for a while. I can feel this weird pull into a darkness with my whole being.
I'm disassociating.
I go right into a practice I learned to cope with panic/anxiety/disassociating attacks:
Number one: find something familiar to stare at to ground me - an old picture of coworkers.
Number two: find something strong to smell - coffee.
Number three: find something with an odd texture - the coils on my workbook.
Number four: find something strong to taste - thank god I pack black Halls just in case this happens.
Number five: find a familiar sound - the clacking of my keyboard.
I cycle through each of these numbers until I calm myself down. I start coming back to reality, and back into my body.
I begin to breathe at a steady, normal pace.
I put my phone down and decided to decide what to do about it later. I have work to do and things need to get done. Maybe a minute goes by but it seems like a million. I can't stop staring at my phone. I know there's a message there waiting for me to respond.
My breath quickens, and I go back into panic.
I pop a piece of gum in my mouth. I can hear the cracking of the shell coating and I feel my teeth sinking into the gum base. I chew. I taste the sharp mint flavour of the polar ice gum. I focus on chewing, the motion of my jaw. Up and down, in and out of the gum base.
I can't avoid this, I refocus on my phone. My mind begins to spin and spiral. A part of me thinks now is my chance to rip into him or send him my blog or make him type out a full-length apology to me. But, does he even know what he would be apologizing for? Does he even understand how his actions affected me and who knows how many others?
I can't be at work anymore.
This is a breakdown that needs to be at home, where I am safe.
I get up to let my boss know I have to go home, I have to book an emergency therapy session. I cannot function anymore. I enter her office and start to stutter. I break.
I'm too late.
Nothing more comes out of my mouth than "he found me". I crumble to the floor, behind her door in a ball. Only answering he found me, which I mean doesn't even make sense. I didn't take any measures to hide from him besides block what I knew was his number, but it's all my brain can comprehend. I always knew this day was a possibility but I didn't think it would actually come.
I went home, slept and went to therapy. In the end, I decided not to respond. I blocked both numbers (but seriously why text with two numbers?!) and blocked them on Facebook. I thought I already had, but I guess people make new pages all the time.
I haven't really thought about that moment until today for some reason. I don't let it live in my mind, it's gotta pay some rent if it's going to be there. But, thinking about it now has made me start to evaluate some things. Like, how responsive my nervous system was.
I didn't think after all the therapy sessions and almost four years later THAT would be my reaction. My body keeping so much tension and my nervous system hanging onto it all. I thought thousands of dollars spent trying to retrain my brain would fix the hidden fight-or-flight reactions. When really all it's done (so far) is give me tools to recognize these situations and reframe past experiences. I guess you don't know how you'll respond to something until you're faced with it. This is something I am still trying to figure out and come to terms with.
The other thing I have been thinking about is how often I shut down when I feel like the stakes are too high in a conflict situation where the subject matters a lot to my heart.
For example:
Case Study: How to Blow Up Your Life in Under a Year.
*Disclaimer: this case study is brought to you by ChatGPT, because a) I have no idea how to write one. And b) the event is fiction but gives a general idea of how I feel and have reacted in similar situations.
Characters:
- Tanya: An individual who values her friendships deeply but often feels insecure in her interactions with people. She has a history of people-pleasing tendencies and often manages her response to elicit a positive response from said individuals.
- Claire: An individual who also values friendships deeply but is more assertive in her expression of opinions. She often says what is on her mind with what can be described as aggressive passion and is very self-determined.
Background:
Tanya and Claire have been friends for many years. Their relationship has always been a mix of camaraderie and tension. Tanya finds herself in a position to try and support Claire, particularly during difficult times in Claire’s life. However, Claire’s responses to Tanya’s efforts often vary between warmth and criticism, leading Tanya to feel anxious and uncertain. Claire is unaware of how Tanya is feeling because Tanya does not communicate these feelings.
Conflict Development:
Over time, the strain on their friendship becomes evident. Tanya feels increasingly like she is "walking on eggshells," unsure how Claire will react to her comments or actions. This heightened state of anxiety leads to tension that simmers beneath the surface.
One afternoon, during a meet-up, Claire arrives in a particularly irritable mood, having had a rough day. Tanya, eager to maintain harmony, tries to lighten the mood by sharing a funny story. Instead of laughter, Tanya is met with a sharp retort from Claire, who accuses her of being insensitive to her struggles. This confrontation escalates, with Claire expressing her feelings of isolation and frustration, which Tanya inadvertently exacerbates.
As their conversation turns heated, Tanya feels the weight of Claire's anger and her own fear of losing the friendship. In an attempt to defend herself, Tanya starts to speak, but the words get stuck in her throat. Overwhelmed by the intensity of the situation and Claire’s aggressive demeanour, Tanya experiences a freeze response.
Freeze Response:
In this state, Tanya’s mind goes blank, and she feels emotionally paralyzed. She can’t process the situation or articulate her feelings. Instead of fighting back or fleeing the conversation, she simply shuts down. The laughter and connection they once shared fade into the background, leaving only a cold silence. Claire, noticing Tanya’s withdrawal, feels a mix of frustration and confusion but continues to express her anger.
The moment stretches, with Tanya unable to respond, leaving her feeling even more isolated. Claire, frustrated by Tanya’s silence, assumes that Tanya does not care about the friendship or her feelings. This miscommunication deepens the rift between them.
Resolution:
After the confrontation, Tanya and Claire part ways, both feeling hurt and misunderstood. Claire believes that Tanya’s silence is a rejection of her feelings, while Tanya feels abandoned and unable to express her side of the story. Over the following weeks, the lack of communication solidifies the breakdown of their friendship.
Tanya grapples with her feelings of loss, recognizing that her freeze response contributed to the situation. She reflects on the pattern of behaviour in their friendship and acknowledges the need for healthier boundaries. Claire, on her part, also begins to process her own emotional struggles, realizing that her outbursts were misplaced and that she may have pushed Tanya away.
Conclusion:
The conflict between Tanya and Claire illustrates how unresolved emotions and communication gaps can lead to a freeze response, resulting in the breakdown of a long-standing friendship. Both characters are left to navigate their feelings of loss, prompting personal growth and reflection on their interpersonal dynamics.
This case study highlights the importance of recognizing emotional triggers and the need for open communication in maintaining relationships.
This past year I've had a few significant relationships exit from my life and much like the case study above, none of them happened smoothly. In all situations I became avoidant. Just ghosted, blocked, disappeared - I did everything to avoid communication. Not a smart choice, but it was a choice.
I froze when I didn't know how to communicate that things had changed from my perspective in the relationship. When the final conversations happened, I took the opportunity to try and thoughtful say what was going on. But by that point, it wasn't productive because the situation was too far gone in the timeline.
Words were exchanged in haste and hurt. It was like stepping into a proverbial landmine field, parts and hearts everywhere. Dramatic to say but it’s really how it feels when relationships that mattered just blow up. All you are left with is pain, the knowing of people that you built to be trusted partners in your life is just gone. That you didn't show up in a way that you should have or held conversations in a meaningful way. This highlight of the case study (thanks ChatGPT) is right, something like that leads to self-reflection and growth. During my reflections, I have come to the conclusion that you can't break a marble jar without getting cut.
Hmm, marble jars.
During the last few years of teaching at a leadership camp in the summer, I talked about Brene Brown's analogy of marble jar friends. People that you can openly share your life with without fear of judgement. These are people that you know are going to show up for you in tough times. Those people add a marble to your jar. When someone does something hurtful or disrespectful, a marble gets taken out.
This is something else I haven't thought about in a long time, until this moment. I paused writing to dig my jar out from the closet. I would tell the kids about my time in high school and take out marbles for each story I told. A marble would be removed for a time when someone was spiteful to me or I was to myself...until I would have an empty jar. I would share what I thought about myself during that time and thoughts I had about my life. To be crystal clear - I never thought about taking my life but there were thoughts that if I disappeared it would make life easier for everyone else.
Then I would tell stories of people who came into my life and started to refill my jar. All positive experiences or times when people were judgement-free of my authentic self, starting with my first time at camp as a camper. I would also add marbles back for stories I shared about times I would try to show up for myself. More and more marbles were added until the jar was mostly full.
We talked about how we chose to show up in our lives by adding marbles to other people's jars and
ultimately how this recognition and theory shows up for us as leaders. We chatted about how when we know ourselves and show up for us, we can show up for other people, and form the type of leader we want to be. I then got them to reflect on who their marble jar friends are and how these people have shown up for them. We'd discuss how we can't do things without other people supporting us, and how friendships are important.
At the end of the lesson, I gave each of them a marble and told them to share it with someone who fills their jar. Sometimes kids would share who they were going to give their marble to and why, sometimes kids would put it in the note bag of other kids at camp. I loved hearing the kids who got a marble at camp have the person explain why they chose to put it in their bag.
Feeling the weight of this full marble jar now and thinking about these instances from the last year has made me realize just how empty that jar should have been. How over the last four years (at least) all the teachings from the years at camp seemed to have been lost and all the marbles gone. I wasn't showing up for them, and I wasn't showing up for myself. And because of this, that glass jar was so empty, so fragile and easy to break.
There's definitely a few flecks of gold in these shit gifts:
In the end, it's better to share what's in your heart than wait for things to boil over.
Going into a freeze mode because you're too worried about not being able to get a positive response from someone or having the situation leave with both people feeling good when the ultimate impact of the conversation will end in pain is just so not worth it. You end up creating a situation that is way more hurtful and will have a larger impact than if you would have just said what needed to be said.
An avoidant conflict style when it comes to things that are important to the heart is not healthy. I think it's going to take some time to correct this - clearly, I've been working on this post for months. But, the first step is recognition, especially in the moment, and work on finding a voice. To continually be hard on yourself for things that you are trying to learn from will only result in going further into the problem.
Sometimes you can focus too much on the empty jar in your hands, you can't see the people behind you waiting to fill it up...
But we'll save the rest of that for pt. 2.
See you on the path to finding joy.....and part 2.
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